Saving My Car Soul

I was raised in the Mormon faith as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My faith is shaky to put it lightly. I am not a stalwart member of my church, in fact, I've all but fallen away. I went through a six year period of inactivity, and have recently started to go to church again.

I have felt the power of Jesus Christ in my life and can witness to the power of the Holy Ghost. I know that the Book of Mormon was written by prophets called of God. This is something that I do not take lightly. I will not deny that which I know. I also choose to keep my religion close and private most of the time. I write this to fulfill my pledge to fully accept myself and write veraciously.

Those of my faith who judge others will readily report that I am a sinner. I do bad things ALL THE TIME. I smoke and curse and drink and have premarital sex. (Those are some major sins in my faith!) I happen to be one of those people who believes it is wrong for individuals to place judgment upon another. ("He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.") I also know that it is important to be true to yourself, to follow a path that no one can decide but yourself. I know that all things happen for a reason and that those reasons are not always apparent. Sins are meant to be part of this life's journey. If they weren't then we would all be perfect today, and we would live in an incredibly boring world.

I don't write these things as an excuse, but as a means to accept my understanding of life as I'm learning to live it. I struggle with "gospel principles" mainly because of my decisions to stray from the standards I was raised with. I wrote about Joe, and I know that Joe and I won't last, but I'm comfortable with the situation and I know that I've grown from it and gained confidence and improved my self esteem because of the relationship I have with him. (That was a definite justification)

My life has grown to be one constant state of transition. The transitions that I've gone through recently have put me under major financial stress. I've chosen my jobs and where I work, and I'm at peace with the decisions I've made. I'm happy with the job I have now, and I can see how it will help me progress and grow. That doesn't change the fact that I'm struggling financially.

When I was financially stable and working at a job I thought I'd be at for awhile, I leased a new car. My reasons were: to have dependable transportation, to have maintenance included in my payment, and to have the confidence having (and paying for) my own car would give me. Now, the job didn't last, and of course my lease payments did. I struggle with budgeting, I'm not good with money, but not working makes anyone terrible with money- especially me.

My church saved my car. They (the members through donations) paid my car payment when I could not. It took many sleepless nights and humility beyond that which I've felt before to ask for help. Now it takes strength, confidence and being true to myself to be okay with the help that I've been given. Now comes the work on saving my soul.


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