Topher

In my life there have been three eras of Topher. Topher is neurotic, depressed, melodramatic, and self centered.

I first met Topher through my best friend Jean. Topher is Jean's step brother. He was kind to her when she needed a friend, and that appealed to me. (I knew Jean well before she ever had a step brother)

I don't remember how we met or even why we started hanging out. I do know that I met Topher when I had decided to live adventurously. I wanted to make sure that I lived my life to the fullest, and I'd decided to take opportunities as they developed and participate whole heartedly. This was all during my senior year of high school.

Topher is three years older than I. We hiked, biked, roller bladed, and made out as often as possible. He used to roller blade to my house because he didn't have a car. I remember that he had the WORST B.O. on those days! Hehehe... Anyway, we had some good times: swam in the winter run off in the canyon, laid down at night in the cemetery under a blanket and watched the snow fall rapidly toward our eyes, and made out all night in his hotel room (courtesy of the college he was attending)

I was immature and neither of us were willing to commit to anything more than making out... so our relationship ended quickly.

Seven years down the road, we met again. Topher was a newly divorced, alcoholic, sex offender. I didn't find out about all of this at once, but he was busted for child porn which caused his divorce. He turned to drinking to deal. I had already invested emotion, care, and love when I found out everything about Topher. I was able to easily overlook the bad, because of the love we already shared.

Again... we had a relationship of adventure, but this time we talked. We talked about everything under the sun and more. I discovered a depth of communication I'd never experienced before. We counselled each other. I loved him then. I wanted romance and a relationship, but he wasn't ready. We drank, we camped, we drank, we hiked, we went off roading, we sang and he played the guitar, we drank, we went to concerts and were the best of friends. Eventually, his alcoholism and self-centeredness got in the way of our friendship. He was an ass hole. (simply put) We stopped talking.

Three years later, and quite recently Topher contacted me again. He was interested in meeting for drinks... I've matured, and I've grown, and I no longer desire his acceptance. I wanted to hang out again because the good memories I have of him are great ones- good times that are at the top of the good time list. I met him for drinks a few months ago.

Topher has wasted away. He is scrawney and sickly and indigent. He was completely honest right up front when we met again. He had fallen asleep with a gun in his hand. He was drunk, high on cocaine and ready to die... only he hadn't the guts to pull the trigger. He fell asleep and woke to a gunshot through his neck. He knew then that he didn't want to die and dialed 9-1-1 before he passed out from the loss of blood.

So this was a year ago, he tells me, and he's been through major physical therapy since. He's on major pain meds, and I'm sure he's addicted to those as well.

This brings you to date on the three eras of Topher... well almost.

Topher says that he loves me now, all for selfish reasons of course. I don't love him. I like to hang out, and we have some great mutual friends, but that's all that I want and/or need. Too bad he wants more. I can't bring myself to invest more, to feel more, to care.